perseverance

Do i insist on being unhappy? That idea popped into my head while I was in the bath a few minutes ago. It is very possible that i do tendd to sink into unhappiness because it is not comfortable, but known. This could be a very important thing to understand, because if this is the case, why I am so unhappy all of the time, maybe there is a way to turn my perception into optimisitic, make the default ideas not destructive and sorrowful, but bright. I think it makes a lot of sense. I definately do feel a draw towards feeling horrible, or taking things one way vs another, and when I bring that perspective into reality while moving into those negative feelinsgs, it seems like i almost have a choice of whether to let things progress into that way of being or not. I just dont know another way of thinking, meaning, i havent taught myself abotu it yet. It does seem probable that this could be something i can fulfill.

Two weeks from yesterday my baby sister died on the same day she was born. She had sever dwarfism, causing her rib cage to stop growing, making her lungs unable to expand to let her breathe. She was alive for about 57 minutes. My dad had my two brothers and I come down to the hospital so we could meet our only sister before she was gone. She was super purple, but not as small as i expected. Nick said that when she first came out she was able to let out a cry, but that was the only noise that ever escaped her lips.

I didn't know what to think or feel. It was a very strange day. I didn't think it would effect me too much, I had to go to work a couple hours after being at the hospital, but once i was away, it really hit me. Wow, that was my sister. A girl that i'll never get to know, or play with, or take care of. Never get to be that older brother that imtimidates her boyfriends into not daring to treat her unkindly. I ended up calling in to work, well emailing in because they didn't provide an number to reach anyone at.

The funeral was the following Saturday. It was weird, i haven't been inside of a regular sized church in years, and it used to be a place i spent every sunday. I felt no remorse for church. I still think the idea is cute, but generally misleading. It bugs me to see how people get trapped in that silly perspective, and it takes quite the hold over them. It turns everyone into a cliche model. Very strange, but this isnt the time.

My girlfriend wasnt too happy with me the day of Lexi's birth, probably as a reflection of my gloomy mood. It must suck for her being attached to me. Even on days that aren't so weird. My older brother keeps talking to me about marriage. How am I supposed to marry someone? I'm so unhappy. Can i keep it together enough for someone else to want to stay with me? Whats the point of marriage if in a year your spouse is so sick of you that they want a divorce? that's a rediculous idea. And anyway, its not something that should be contemplated for some time to come. This entire situation baffles and sometimes offers nothing but staggering blows when i think about the circumstances that lead to the current situation. It hurts deeply, and I know that many other people would not have agreed to continue things. But I love her and I'm just hoping that the deep damages that have been inflicted in light of this are not permanent. Ugh.

Something needs to happen and soon.