perseverance

Do i insist on being unhappy? That idea popped into my head while I was in the bath a few minutes ago. It is very possible that i do tendd to sink into unhappiness because it is not comfortable, but known. This could be a very important thing to understand, because if this is the case, why I am so unhappy all of the time, maybe there is a way to turn my perception into optimisitic, make the default ideas not destructive and sorrowful, but bright. I think it makes a lot of sense. I definately do feel a draw towards feeling horrible, or taking things one way vs another, and when I bring that perspective into reality while moving into those negative feelinsgs, it seems like i almost have a choice of whether to let things progress into that way of being or not. I just dont know another way of thinking, meaning, i havent taught myself abotu it yet. It does seem probable that this could be something i can fulfill.

Two weeks from yesterday my baby sister died on the same day she was born. She had sever dwarfism, causing her rib cage to stop growing, making her lungs unable to expand to let her breathe. She was alive for about 57 minutes. My dad had my two brothers and I come down to the hospital so we could meet our only sister before she was gone. She was super purple, but not as small as i expected. Nick said that when she first came out she was able to let out a cry, but that was the only noise that ever escaped her lips.

I didn't know what to think or feel. It was a very strange day. I didn't think it would effect me too much, I had to go to work a couple hours after being at the hospital, but once i was away, it really hit me. Wow, that was my sister. A girl that i'll never get to know, or play with, or take care of. Never get to be that older brother that imtimidates her boyfriends into not daring to treat her unkindly. I ended up calling in to work, well emailing in because they didn't provide an number to reach anyone at.

The funeral was the following Saturday. It was weird, i haven't been inside of a regular sized church in years, and it used to be a place i spent every sunday. I felt no remorse for church. I still think the idea is cute, but generally misleading. It bugs me to see how people get trapped in that silly perspective, and it takes quite the hold over them. It turns everyone into a cliche model. Very strange, but this isnt the time.

My girlfriend wasnt too happy with me the day of Lexi's birth, probably as a reflection of my gloomy mood. It must suck for her being attached to me. Even on days that aren't so weird. My older brother keeps talking to me about marriage. How am I supposed to marry someone? I'm so unhappy. Can i keep it together enough for someone else to want to stay with me? Whats the point of marriage if in a year your spouse is so sick of you that they want a divorce? that's a rediculous idea. And anyway, its not something that should be contemplated for some time to come. This entire situation baffles and sometimes offers nothing but staggering blows when i think about the circumstances that lead to the current situation. It hurts deeply, and I know that many other people would not have agreed to continue things. But I love her and I'm just hoping that the deep damages that have been inflicted in light of this are not permanent. Ugh.

Something needs to happen and soon.

Long Distance Duration

It has been quite some time since i've written anything, even longer since i've written on the internet. 

damn things get confusing quick. I can't believe this winter, it has been very intense, but in retrospect easier than any other i've had, as far as my madness goes. I know precisely why, but that isn't anything i need to speculate on.

I've been thinking a lot about what really matters. Priorities and whatnot. I've lost a lot of my perspective, probably the winter reset got to me, i dunno. But to search for things that are not real, things that are man made, these systems and patterns we're told we're supposed to live by, is utterly useless. I watch all of these people spend their time in pursuit of a lifestyle that doesn't actually matter. The quest for money, to get caught up in this scheme of getting a loan, getting married, buying two cars, getting in debt so that you can spend the rest of your life paying it off while some dude somewhere sits in his mansion and gets rich off it. What a waste. What is real? It seems that you should live life to make money, not make money to try to have a life. What is money really worth anyway? We made it up. There is nothing eternal about that. I hear so many people speak about god, and what he would want us to do, but they're all basing their decisions off of man made ideals, the things we've been conditioned throughout our entire lives to believe is okay and should be done. It makes no sense. 

What do i know though? I'm crazy. Ask a doctor if you don't believe me. Life comes first, realness, goodness, the eternal. actually finding a place in reality and bounding out of this veil that has been placed in over our eyes of what reality should be. Try removing yourself from those things and find what its all really about, what humans really are. Not these perpetual consumers, chasing an idea that doesn't exist. Everything is actually very very simple. Remove the grey, look at black and white. Truth or absense of truth. That is all that really matters. In the long run. There are always short time fixes is all i see people do, noone seems to even notice the eternal, the long term fixes. Progression happens with everything, we wouldn't notice anything without progression/change, so why don't people see the logic in taking care of a problem before it gets any worse? while the control is still there? life also seems very cyclic, so there are times when you'll be able to plant your seed in the most opprotune of moments so it will be strong enough to be nutured through the rest of the moments. haha i just found this on my other blog. Nevermind i'll keep that to myself. I dont know what i just wrote here, probably a bunch of mindless bullshit. I have so many thoughts that i don't need to publish.

I had the best week ever, and am so very happy it happened. It changed my perception on life in so many ways. So thank you very much for that, and i hope for the best. It takes a lot to let go, and i haven't allowed myself to yet. That week felt . . . . . magical, too good to be true. It scares me. It shouldn't, but it does. I've never felt such deep down, low burning embers for another person, even during the awkward first hanging out times. It was like this sort of comfortability i've never felt with another person, beneath the essence, the flare was also there, the passionate longing for you, yet the separate coals warmed my bones beneath it all. it was like feeling with a separate part of my body. It was beautiful beyond recognition. But now i fear i missed the boat. I could have easily held on, but cared more about you than how things'll effect me. The ache still pulls at me each day. I miss you so much, but never regret letting you make your own decisions. Noone has been able to reach me through my madness, when i get into those mindsets, with everyone i give some automated response, but you sliced right through it, reset things so i could concentrate on allowing my thoughts to subside. 

I've never felt these things like this, and it seems like it's lost, yet there is still that piece of hope piercing through my will to let go. And who's to say? the future is unwritten. 

Business has been so fucking slow! I wish i had some sort of distraction. I can't wait to get back to the land of safety, leave zion and throw my thoughts into the beautiful life cycle. I'm speakin gibberish, my thoughts won't clear themselves up enough for me to be able to convey anything. Expression is locked somewhere in LA. I've been hiding away in my little brothers' room, drinking as soon as i get up in the morning and stopping until i can finally muster sleep. Ugh, sleep. I wish i could sleep so badly! And eating is so shitty. blah, i can't even imagine trying to eat something right now.  I can't figure out what to do with myself. I don't feel safe or comfortable anywhere anymore. I can't wait for it to pass. 

The battle with the unknown is a difficult one. it's hard to bring in rationality. its hard to concentrate on anything. even writing feels so pointless. But for that 3 minutes or whatever that i get a call, everything feels, clear, reset, headchange. I don't feel overwhelmed, things feel like they are okay, my logical process has a chance to subdue the madness. I dunno what i'm writing or why so i'm stopping now.