It has been quite some time since i've written anything, even longer since i've written on the internet.
damn things get confusing quick. I can't believe this winter, it has been very intense, but in retrospect easier than any other i've had, as far as my madness goes. I know precisely why, but that isn't anything i need to speculate on.
I've been thinking a lot about what really matters. Priorities and whatnot. I've lost a lot of my perspective, probably the winter reset got to me, i dunno. But to search for things that are not real, things that are man made, these systems and patterns we're told we're supposed to live by, is utterly useless. I watch all of these people spend their time in pursuit of a lifestyle that doesn't actually matter. The quest for money, to get caught up in this scheme of getting a loan, getting married, buying two cars, getting in debt so that you can spend the rest of your life paying it off while some dude somewhere sits in his mansion and gets rich off it. What a waste. What is real? It seems that you should live life to make money, not make money to try to have a life. What is money really worth anyway? We made it up. There is nothing eternal about that. I hear so many people speak about god, and what he would want us to do, but they're all basing their decisions off of man made ideals, the things we've been conditioned throughout our entire lives to believe is okay and should be done. It makes no sense.
What do i know though? I'm crazy. Ask a doctor if you don't believe me. Life comes first, realness, goodness, the eternal. actually finding a place in reality and bounding out of this veil that has been placed in over our eyes of what reality should be. Try removing yourself from those things and find what its all really about, what humans really are. Not these perpetual consumers, chasing an idea that doesn't exist. Everything is actually very very simple. Remove the grey, look at black and white. Truth or absense of truth. That is all that really matters. In the long run. There are always short time fixes is all i see people do, noone seems to even notice the eternal, the long term fixes. Progression happens with everything, we wouldn't notice anything without progression/change, so why don't people see the logic in taking care of a problem before it gets any worse? while the control is still there? life also seems very cyclic, so there are times when you'll be able to plant your seed in the most opprotune of moments so it will be strong enough to be nutured through the rest of the moments. haha i just found this on my other blog. Nevermind i'll keep that to myself. I dont know what i just wrote here, probably a bunch of mindless bullshit. I have so many thoughts that i don't need to publish.
I had the best week ever, and am so very happy it happened. It changed my perception on life in so many ways. So thank you very much for that, and i hope for the best. It takes a lot to let go, and i haven't allowed myself to yet. That week felt . . . . . magical, too good to be true. It scares me. It shouldn't, but it does. I've never felt such deep down, low burning embers for another person, even during the awkward first hanging out times. It was like this sort of comfortability i've never felt with another person, beneath the essence, the flare was also there, the passionate longing for you, yet the separate coals warmed my bones beneath it all. it was like feeling with a separate part of my body. It was beautiful beyond recognition. But now i fear i missed the boat. I could have easily held on, but cared more about you than how things'll effect me. The ache still pulls at me each day. I miss you so much, but never regret letting you make your own decisions. Noone has been able to reach me through my madness, when i get into those mindsets, with everyone i give some automated response, but you sliced right through it, reset things so i could concentrate on allowing my thoughts to subside.
I've never felt these things like this, and it seems like it's lost, yet there is still that piece of hope piercing through my will to let go. And who's to say? the future is unwritten.
Business has been so fucking slow! I wish i had some sort of distraction. I can't wait to get back to the land of safety, leave zion and throw my thoughts into the beautiful life cycle. I'm speakin gibberish, my thoughts won't clear themselves up enough for me to be able to convey anything. Expression is locked somewhere in LA. I've been hiding away in my little brothers' room, drinking as soon as i get up in the morning and stopping until i can finally muster sleep. Ugh, sleep. I wish i could sleep so badly! And eating is so shitty. blah, i can't even imagine trying to eat something right now. I can't figure out what to do with myself. I don't feel safe or comfortable anywhere anymore. I can't wait for it to pass.
The battle with the unknown is a difficult one. it's hard to bring in rationality. its hard to concentrate on anything. even writing feels so pointless. But for that 3 minutes or whatever that i get a call, everything feels, clear, reset, headchange. I don't feel overwhelmed, things feel like they are okay, my logical process has a chance to subdue the madness. I dunno what i'm writing or why so i'm stopping now.
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