The Big Ol' Mayne

It seems to me that preference lies highly on associations. If there is an association that something is good, or stupid, femine, masculine, anything, then it hinders on your ability to see something as it actually is. Associations seem to fuck with a lot of our basic view of reality. It's crazy, there are many associations that cling to my mind like a parasite, but they are generally short lived, and there are many more things that i can't even begin to understand. Like, "this isn't worth anything because its about crazy people" or gays, or love or most things. I can't associate things like that. That is probably why i love almost every book i read, why i'm down with almost every movie i see, except the ones that follow the lines of what is popular at the moment, those are too easily sifted through because there is no sustinance to their creation. Yes, maybe my head is a bit broken, maybe i do see things in certain ways and overreact to them. I do have impulses and thoughts of suicide. But I can also see such a more grand world than others are able to perceive. I can't change who i am. I feel like people are continually trying to get me to uphold some sort of structure of life, of who i need to pretend to be. We all seem to think that there is something we can pretend to be, no matter how far off it is from what we truly feel. Research even shows that girls will feel much the same way as guys will in any given situation, yet if they're given time to look back on it, their brain "fills in the blanks" and they view it as more emotional than if guys look back on it. But while it's happening we react much the same. Same goes with PMS, when girls are given something and asked how they feel about it during menstration, they react as they normally would. Yet when they look back on it, the social norms come in and invade their perception of the past to make them think they were feeling it as their PMS would indicate. This has all been proven. It's so crazy that we all try to keep these things intact, an outer shell of ourselves, never revealing our true inner selves. And yet, the people who are unable to uphold such illusionary tales of themselves are deemed crazy and are put on lockdown. Aw well, another day more learning. Its great how much there is to gain from each day to day moment. Time to finish this glass of wine and go to sleep.

B. Rake

Scientists and BPD

Scientists identify brain abnormalities underlying key element of borderline personality disorder

Date: Thu, 3 January 2008

Using new approaches, an interdisciplinary team of scientists at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center in New York City has gained a view of activity in key brain areas associated with a core difficulty in patients with borderline personality disorder -- shedding new light on this serious psychiatric condition.

"It's early days yet, but the work is pinpointing functional differences in the neurobiology of healthy people versus individuals with the disorder as they attempt to control their behavior in a negative emotional context. Such initial insights can help provide a foundation for better, more targeted therapies down the line," explains lead researcher Dr. David A. Silbersweig, the Stephen P. Tobin and Dr. Arnold M. Cooper Professor of Psychiatry and Professor of Neurology at Weill Cornell Medical College, and attending psychiatrist and neurologist at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center.

The findings are featured in this month's issue of the American Journal of Psychiatry.

Borderline personality disorder is a devastating mental illness that affects between one to two per cent of Americans, causing untold disruption of patients' lives and relationships. Nevertheless, its underlying biology is not very well understood. Hallmarks of the illness include impulsivity, emotional instability, interpersonal difficulties, and a preponderance of negative emotions such as anger -- all of which may encourage or be associated with substance abuse, self-destructive behaviors and even suicide.

"In this study, our collaborative team looked specifically at the nexus between negative emotions and impulsivity -- the tendency of people with borderline personality disorder to 'act out' destructively in the presence of anger," Dr. Silbersweig explains. "Other studies have looked at either negative emotional states or this type of behavioral disinhibition. The two are closely connected, and we wanted to find out why. We therefore focused our experiments on the interaction between negative emotional states and behavioral inhibition."

Advanced brain-scanning technologies developed by the research team made it possible to detect the brain areas of interest with greater sensitivity.

"Previous work by our group and others had suggested that an area at the base of the brain within the ventromedial prefrontal cortex was key to people's ability to restrain behaviors in the presence of emotion," Dr. Silbersweig explains.

Unfortunately, tracking activity in this brain region has been extremely difficult using functional MRI (fMRI). "Due to its particular location, you get a lot of signal loss," the researcher explains.

However, the Weill Cornell team used a special fMRI activation probe that they developed to eliminate much of that interference. This paved the way for the study, which included 16 patients with borderline personality disorder and 14 healthy controls.

The team also used a tailored fMRI neuropsychological approach to observe activity in the subjects' ventromedial prefrontal cortex as they performed what behavioral neuroscience researchers call 'go/no go' tests.

These rapid-fire tests require participants to press or withhold from pressing a button whenever they receive particular visual cues. In a twist from the usual approach, the performance of the task with negative words (related to borderline psychology) was contrasted with the performance of the task when using neutral words, to reveal how negative emotions affect the participants' ability to perform the task.

As expected, negative emotional words caused participants with borderline personality disorder to have more difficulty with the task at hand and act more impulsively -- ignoring visual cues to stop as they repeatedly pressed the button.

But what was really interesting was what showed up on fMRI.

"We confirmed that discrete parts of the ventromedial prefrontal cortex -- the subgenual anterior cingulate cortex and the medial orbitofrontal cortex areas -- were relatively less active in patients versus controls," Dr. Silbersweig says. "These areas are thought to be key to facilitating behavioral inhibition under emotional circumstances, so if they are underperforming that could contribute to the disinhibition one so often sees with borderline personality disorder."

At the same time, the research team observed heightened levels of activation during the tests in other areas of the patients' brains, including the amygdala, a locus for emotions such as anger and fear, and some of the brain's other limbic regions, which are linked to emotional processing.

"In the frontal region and the amygdala, the degree to which the brain aberrations occurred was closely correlated to the degree with which patients with borderline personality disorder had clinical difficulty controlling their behavior, or had difficulty with negative emotion, respectively," Dr. Silbersweig notes.

The study sheds light not only on borderline personality disorder, but on the mechanisms healthy individuals rely on to curb their tempers in the face of strong emotion.

Still, patients struggling with borderline personality disorder stand to benefit most from this groundbreaking research. An accompanying journal commentary labels the study 'rigorous' and 'systematic,' and one of the first to validate with neuroimaging what scientists had only been able to guess at before.

"The more that this type of work gets done, the more people will understand that mental illness is not the patient's fault -- that there are circuits in the brain that control these functions in humans and that these disorders are tied to fundamental disruptions in these circuits," Dr. Silbersweig says. "Our hope is that such insights will help erode the stigma surrounding psychiatric illness."

The research could even help lead to better treatment.

As pointed out in the commentary, the research may help explain how specific biological or psychological therapies could ease symptoms of borderline personality disorder for some patients, by addressing the underlying biology of impulsivity in the context of overwhelming negative emotion. The more scientists understand the neurological aberrations that give rise to the disorder, the greater the hope for new, highly targeted drugs or other therapeutic interventions.

"Going forward, we plan to test hypotheses about changes in these brain regions associated with various types of treatment," Dr. Silberswieg says. "Such work by ourselves and others could help confirm these initial findings and point the way to better therapies."


Source: New York- Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center/Weill Cornell Medical College

 

Dreamland

I had another weird dream that was much the same as the one i had previously, but this one was much more disturbing to me. Luckily this one made me wake at 230 in the morning, instead of having to start the day in such a state.

First it started with me hearing noises in the bus which aroused me awake. I open my eyes and see the angry's dogs(the yelling fellows across the street)right outside the window of the back door of the school bus. I already had a knife at the ready, open and in my hand. I tapped the window with it and the dogs scampered off. Then i was suddenly back in my bed, opening my eyes again because of noises. I got up to find 2 young male deer and 2 greyhounds at the front of the bus. I had no knife. I walked to the front, passing next to the deer, but not concerned with them. The greyhounds dashed out the front door. As i made my way back, i edged past the two deer that looked a bit frightened at my presense. I grabbed the first ones horns, more to sustain it while i got around it, but it jerked its head. Once i was in between the two, they were suddenly looming moose, or elks. The bunk bed was back, so i quickly hopped on there, for saftey. The Deer/elk/moose behind my lifted his hoof and placed it against my chest. Then i opened my eyes again, was back in my bed, because i could hear noises at the front of the bus. Well, I half opened my eyes, because now the extreme tiredness was setting in. I tried to sit up, i couldn't move. I was able to move my arm, grabbing the tiny strip of metal that is just about my sleeping spot and pried myself into a sitting position, all this time fighting to keep my eyes open, but mostly failing to do so. Once i was sitting up in this slumped position i opened my eyes to find i was in bed. I made the same maneuver, still fighting my bodies inability to move and attempting keep my eyes open by sheer will. Once i got the the slumped sitting up position, i opened my eyes to find myself back in the laying position. This repeated 3 times. The last of these three, I hear a boy saying 'sir, please help us' from just outside the front window of the bus. I made a high hmmmm noise which forced me awake. The last two, my noise and the boy happened so close to my actual wakening, that i was unsure which had actually happened and what was part of my dream.

Once i was fully awake and realized that there wasn't actually a kid outside the door, i was afraid to go back to sleep for quite some time. I refrained from taking another hit of sleeping medicine and put in a new movie to listen to to push me into sleep.              

I wonder what is happening on the oustide. Am i actually getting up, sitting up, my mind trying to force itself up while my body is still in sleep mode. On the fence of reality and dreamland.

Similarities of the two dreams are the main problems lay at the front of the bus, the things i'm trying to get away from. Being powerless to relieve myself of the things causing the problem. Resetting in an ultra tired daze, trying to get up but unable to even get up, let alone get away. Speaking to my body but it not responding, responding sluggishly. I know it's probably pointless to try to sort out meaning through the random firings in your brain that happen in your sleep, but the repetition makes it curious. As well as the realness of it, and a lingering feeling of unease. As well as how real it felt, how i reset each time in the exact same place as i laid down in, or wake up in.  

Unrelenting Nervousity

What an interesting day. I've had this uncontrollable nervousness that seems to happen every so often. I can't figure out what to attribute it to though. When i feel it, a trembling that roots in my solar plexus and vibrates out through my extremities. I felt lightheaded all day. This sort of thing may happen when i'm secluded from other people for long periods of time, allowing my mind to enclose and start cycling about with no release. The things i did out of the ordinary was sleep in, well, lay awake in bed for an extra 4 hours or so, drink 2 cups of coffe, which is actually up to the 6 mark on the pot, wake and baked to try to go back to sleep when i learned that i wouldn't be working today, and i can't think of any more. My nervousness could be attributed to the fact that my comrades will be back tomorrow. I don't know, but i wish i could releive myself of such symptoms.

Anywho, eating helped. I also went into the pizza room for a while working there, that was dope to keep my thoughts occupied, off of their normal routines they fall into. Then i spoke to one of my comrades and found that business went as expected, but a large percentage, about half, of money had to be dispensed. But, all in all, it was a good conversation and eased up my anxiety towards our later meetings. Anyway, the pizza i made for dinner tastes great and that is greatly appreciated by my empty bellie. Roke.

B. Rake

Perception

  So why would you allow a distant power to to make your decisions for you? We did not get to this point by listening to a far off tyrant, no we took things into our own hands. We are all individuals, it makes no sense to give our ability to make decisions to hands that put their best interests before yours.

            Think of all the things you're expected to do to be a real "person," or at least a civilized person. Take that expectation, subtract the idea of right and wrong, then logically decide if it makes sense. Should I start giving my child speed while he's in elementary school? Why does it seem ADHD was unheard of and suddenly m ost of the children in public schools are diagnosed and treated for it? Who benefits from this? Hospitals, physicians, prescription companies and the government. How will they be effected, depending on intoxicants, building a tolerance to those intoxicants. Sweet.

 

 

Noone knows who they are, their perspective is so skewed by their first person perspective that taking a step back out, they're able to see themselves better. But that brings us to the point of wondering what a person is. How do you define a person? I mean what perspective matters? You have a view of yourself through your eyes or one through other people's eyes, but, their perspective is also clouded from looking at everything as it relates to them. It must be a whole, including both worlds. So who a person actually is, is who everyone perceives them to be? No, because everyone's perception is lost because they place the starting point in themselves.

            Everyone looks out from themselves and see mostly what is pointing back at them. It's like filters. So you have what you think, it is created inside the filter and sent out. Another person has their own filter. If things in both filters are not similar then communication is difficult. The filter represents your prefixed ideas and associations. So something is created(o), sent out through the filter(#), then flows through their filter, and into their mind. But if their filter is shaped differently, which it inevitably will be with all the different conditions, then when it reaches the mind of the other side part or all of the meaning is lost.

Person -> o -> # -> o -> # -> @ -> person.

Make sense?

Ive Just Seen A Face

last night in obscurity. Last chance to write before i find scrutiny. There is no use in anticipating the future, because then i'm likely to create the elements which give me anxiety. Just ride the wave as it comes.

 

Twas 32.7 degrees inside the bus when i woke up. i scurried out of bed when i was awoken, grabbed the coffee that was brought to me, and went outside to warm up. The sun was shining bright in these Northern California mountains, warming the day as it went along. Its been under a year since i left my home where i was rooted and ended up in these prestine mountains.

Basically, life is as simple as we make it. All the complexities are those of our own design. I think it was Carl Sagan that said "Ethics are a purely human problem" or something to that effect. We get so caught up in our minds, we smash through our days on a mission, stuck in the essence of ourselves, rarely breaking the boundry to see the outside. My knowledge of my identity is a bit lost to me, i tend to live in the perspectives in those around me, or that i care about. That used to scare me that i don't have an idea of who am i, i know of events but its difficult for me to guage things about myself. I don't really know what i like, i don't really know what i don't want. It all seems to shift anyway. My wants and likes vary by my perspective shifts. But now i realize that whether i have this idea of myself or not, I will still act accordingly so there is really nothing to worry about.

 

Anyway, i've gotta say that expectation is one of the worst of the emotions. Despite expectations, despite wants, things will flow as they will flow. Knowing this, we can find opprotune moments to plant out seed and nourish it, but to do that you must see the break in the flow, to do that you must acknowledge the flow. Or else you have chance, and that amounts to little or disappointment, which is unnecessary.

 

I've got to say that i'm glad the winter is gone. The most difficult months of my "crazy head" have cycled through and are now on the up slope, which will evidently peak and fall again. But i plan to spend this slowness in the cycle building something to assist in the days ahead, because i can't handle another winter such as the last. Maybe that means getting back on medication, maybe that means building a support system, definately that means progressing in taiji qigong in self cultivation. Scratch out and find a new home.

B. Rake 

Openess is the Courterforce of Arrogance

This longing for a significant other, not focusing on sexual relationships, is very interesting. I mean i feel this longing, i can identify it, but could it ever be fulfilled? It doesn't seem so. I understand that if i were to find someone who appreciated me enough to look past my scattered emotions and thoughts then there is little else i would look for. But that is coming from a perspective based in the present, and as a human, i horribly misjudge the way i'll feel about things later. I know i'll never have trouble loving another person, because i can't help but love almost every person i meet. Once that feeling is absent for so long, its difficult for me to gauge. So because of this, when people accept me then im immediatly drawn to them, generally ending in reality, starting in illusion.

Therefore, I understand that if there is such a thing as destiny, or that special someone meant for just me, then our meeting is inevitable. Always remain impartial to the emotion, feel it, understand it, but do not devour it. I'll watch, that's pretty much all i do anyway, and see where the next road takes me or us if it be the case. But anyway, i can't say that i can base anything on the idea that a person is meant to be with me forever. That implies a predetermined life, which makes decisions pointless. It sounds like a nice idea and all, but an idea likely made up in hollywood.

So, in hindsight. I'm alone. I'll always be alone. The way that i'd like to share myself with other people, and would like to be shared with is nonexistant. These ideas of perfection have been planted in our minds and we all base our ideals off of that impression. Such is the way we are though, with our personalities largly reflecting things picked up in past experiences. Maybe someone will be there who will be able to enjoy this beautiful, intricate earth and life with me, but until then, I have me.

 

It's interesting the way we now have the ability to leave traces of ourselves viewable by all those with a computer. The other day i came across an old website i designed in jr high and was amazed at the details that were published  for the world. Then i quickly flashed through countless other journals, pictures, websites, communities all with my words and influences interlaced in their structure. Madness. I wonder what the future will look like with all of this excess junk floating around. Hopefully they'll make a separate interenet for Porn only so that all the useful information can be found by connecting here, all the horny teenagers enter here.

 

Speculations rooted in nothing. A reminder comes into the bus to give me a reminder that it is very easily done to appreciate someone, appreciate people without having to really know them or love them. It makes sense afterall because noone can every truly know another. Scratch Out.

B. Rake

File Under Opaque (Destruction by Definition)

Today i woke in a perpetual dream. I was wakened slightly, my response to request hinging between reality and dreams. Living in this state, i felt myself get up, out of bed, walking to the front of the establishment. I could barley keep my eyes open, as if a bright light was being continually shined into them. My body felt heavy, my arms slumping to my sides. My only goal, to reach the outdoors. I allowed my eyes to close, then when i slowly slid my eyelids apart, trying with all my might to betray the weights that pushed them together, i found that i was yet again still at my bed. I told my body to move, but it would not. I kept prying at my muscles with my mind, and there was no movement. Finally, i was able to slump my arms, then my legs and slowly but finally raise my body out of bed. My body had a sort of numb sensation to it. As if all of my muscles went limp. My mind felt hazy, and my eyes were still incredibly hard to keep open. I walked in this slump, trying to reach my goal yet again, i blinked and when i was able to open my eyes again i was back in my bed. this happened in what seemed a neverending battle, until i opened my real eyes to reality. My arms had none of the difficulty in moving, my eyes still very tired and my mind in a daze.

How interesting my dreams ar in the morning, this episode of repeat. other mornings dreams brings odd remembrances of the past, interesting situations, the resolution of such dreams is obvious, generally, leaving me in a state of wonderment for the rest of the day. Maybe my dreams at night are different, i don't know i only remember the ones after my 2nd or 3rd waking of the day. Times up my son, its time to go.

Change

Humans require change to feel complete. Without changes, we wouldn't have much of a mind or personality considering that the depths of whatever you know are determined by how well you know it's counterforce. There can be no good without evil. Everything only works and is understandable because we see it's contrast. Many people get it mixed up though. Like trying to end evil, that would just end good as well. People are constantly seeking this state of "content ness" which can never exist, true content ness is from being in the absolute center. Many people let these views of change control them. Hiding away from change for years before letting it happen, or they take it the other route and decide they are wholly or mostly and entirely different person. But that is nonsense. Life doesn't happen on a timeline, but rather like a root growing outward. We're always us. All of our past experiences produce a conditioning on our minds. Our mind will start as one thing, then as time progresses it picks up debris along the way, like a snowball rolling down a hill. Like this dude G. I> Gordjieff says a human being is made up of essence and personality. What he means by essence is going to be what you are and own like hereditary traits, and personality are the things you acquired through social conditioning.
The clearest perspective is always the one that you don't hold yourself in, thinking outside of the box, so to speak. Everything makes perfect, clear sense if you remove your attachments to the situation.

Being Whole

I recently realized that it is absolutely pointless to seek love, happiness, euphoria, anger, depression. You must never seek hapiness. Hapiness will come and go as it pleases, you just being on along for the ride. If you try to grab it and hold it, it'll just slip away. Thinking this way makes you much more suceptable when you don't feel those emotions. If you think about it, everything always works in a complete balance. There is no way to get around it. The different emotions and are merely just forces, pushing you this way or that, but never anything to seek out or try to keep clasped between your fingers. Really, if you're sitting there overwhelmed with emotion, remember it is never permanent, and logic is just one step away.
Humans have fallen in love with their own creations. I watch the way people act and it's insane. Everyone making things up so they can impress each other, this constant state of competition that we all must submit ourselves to with anyone we don't want to think we're a "pussy." All of us living in full swing, with nothing in our heads but tv and businesses. Think about it. I went to the city, and all i saw was people scurrying from business to business, people working at businesses, people shopping at businesses while working for businesses. It's all just a rat race. Everyone just running from store to store. For what? Their products don't really matter that much. We've lost so much sight on what is true and what is real, to things that are questionable. We stopped looking at what we know, and sat in a world of fakeness. Take a break, take a huge step back, and look at what we've become

Too Many Random Thoughts

going with the flow has nothing to do with other people. going with the flow is to go with the inner current of your true self. Following the flow of emptiness wherever it leads you.
My thoughts can be broken down into word thoughts, picture thoughts, and most importantly thoughts by meaning. I guess that makes it the three renderings of my thoughts.
Naturalness is something difficult to obtain. To be natural is to revert into animal ways. Removing all the automated responses buried throughout your human mid. To gain naturalness is to be empty. Once you have removed your mind's preconditioning you'll be able to to obtain any knowledge. Not to be confused with enthering the subconcious, to be empty is to have your active mind still. Through emptiness youre able to once again be filled. Something you can imagine is in reference to another thing.
Where do thoughts come from? If by attempting to create thought causes confusion and emptiness makes things clear, where do they come from?

It's a battle over the land. The humans try to cut them down and build their city, but they just grow too fast. Coming across portland is watching the tree's passive resistence standing strong overpopulating and surrounding all the buildings.
(the next two writings were written in the middle of this one)
details are useful but not necessary for action. All you need is direct meaning and where it flows to. Therefore context is not necessary.

Why would they make kolonapin taste like mints and adderoll taste like pez? And for that matter why do i get sad when i think/feel living at my mom's?
It seems that my emotions originate from a separate source than the situation gives, often when i look toward the future i'll feel nothing but despair, but with thinking of the same topic at a different time i will find i'm excited about the future. Take the movie i watched last night, Bridge to Taribithia, after watching it i felt like everything i do is pointless and worthless. I mean it's a dank story that i liked alot, but what the hell is the feeling from? And why do i feel that feeling so often? Maybe i've given the feeling the wrong association. I don't know.
observe the way people are, then in every situation you'll feel weird as fuck, suddenly you don't know how to do what you watch everyone else do.
with the emotive mind you're able to connect with people, able to relate. Which is why communication is difficult. The balanace brings out the ability to be logical and emotive at the same time in the most productive maneer
Two judgements required for every situation. The first is the face value judgement which would be the yang judgement. The second would be yin, so you may as well discard the first always and just go with the yin, which is lost to face value thoughts. Yet, using both does give a wider perspective on things. Given the first judgement along with the second judgement. The key would probably be to know what is useful.
I've never understood the poing of being competeive, or for getting a point system to take notice of who is better at one particulat moment in one situation. it makes sense to be able to find the right man for the job, but as far as anyone being better, that is left unsaid. There are so many elements that go into every situation. As far as being smarter, well that's all a matter of emptiness

Like making thought and emotion balanced by separation/distinguishing the two
emotion clouds thought
"What is vs. What should be"
centered - ( o )
emotional - (o )
Logical - ( o)

What generates emotion?
Thought process?
if emotion and thought processes are separate, come from separate places, they should be made balanced(shown with yinyang)
Or
Emotion piggybacks thought?
changes in perspective
emotion = preconcieved ideas
logical = truth
Preconcieved fixed ideas block truth( they make direct conclusion based an what your predisposed to believe.
I'm always baffled by how much people let their intentions show. But then i remember that most people aren't afraid to show their intent
I guess there is no point in worrying about the meaning of life because like death, it is inevitable. Life has meaning as long as it's lived. I may not mean shit to more than like 15 people, and past those 15 people i don't give a fuck, but that is inevitable. It sucks, but ill i find a better idea that makes sense it will have to do.
Nurture vs. Nature = no solution
but if the answer is nature, then wouldn everyone start with a blank slate till they changed based on their environmental influences? but in that case, noon person wouild be great or of better quality then another. The experinced changed that person into these things
Solution = both
you start with a clean slate, but a slate based on heredity. Then that slate is added to by outside influences and other herditary changes that may come later in life.
But then where do bad people come from? I've never met an actual bad person before so i wouldn't know
A writing peice is like an imprint of self. House of leaves is a good example of this, for zampano and johnny truant and most likely mark z danielenski, Orson Scott Card imprints himself well in his books. Think of it this way, we are not even close to the person that we are viewed as externally. The inside and outside do reflect eachother, somewhat. But a peice of art is an expression of self holding a different external form.
What is the difference between a best friend an boy/girlfriend?
Attraction/Sex?
if that's the case what about gay people? with straight it's a little easier due to the amount of opposite sex bestfriendment is usually at a minimal or turns into a relationship. So what happens when it seems right to fuck all you best friends that you're attracted to? Then again the gay population does have other gay people, and most gay guys have alot of friends that are girls.5

rebirth

the display shows a new node made for life. I find myself constantly wondering if there really is any point in my existance. Am I truly this pathetic? People seem to have some sort of preordained thought that they as themselves are everything and they must do things accordingly. That seems to have skipped over my mind, When i think that i would prefer something one way, and if it conflicts with anothers preference, i find myself thinking "what you want doesn't really matter. What is your preference to theirs? You do have circumstance, but thats difficult to explain to someone built into their reality.
I often find myself searching the maze, running up and down the corridors trying to find some sort of clue, something that will lead me to the next key, only to find more questions. What we find is that expectancy creates delusion.
What is a self really? How can you actually grasp the concept? It's impossible. We will never know ourselves, we will never know eachother. There are too many variables built into our minds. Our personality basically is only an accumulation of our experiences, so if a large part of what you decide is based on your experiences, everyone sees things differently from those around them. What do i ramble on about? Nothingness broken into nothingness. An abstract of true reality, which is also something that seems to be undefinable.
Nevertheless spring is around the corner to rid of us this dreadful season and all the complexities it plays. The buddhists say that in order to find enlightenment, first you must return to the source, wu chi(without energy), maybe that's what the summer push is all about.
I'm not certain what i do know is that mickeys have served me right on this night. And with that i bid you a dew.

Trapped

Possibly last week I was going over some of my notes so that i could create a practice routine. My postuire was efficiently horrible, as it often is. I integrated some of the concepts all into the same process and then i was able to relax into my muscles and tendons, to the point that i could feel the individual muscles in my upper body. I could feel a fluid tingle, lightly coating each of them, which the chineese refer to as qi. While i could feel my muscles and tendons, i could as well feel my heartbeat pulsing throughout my body and my diaphram expanding and contracting. All the while my mind found a place even better than euphoria, and that was calm and peace.

Then next time i was able to relax correctly, I meditated down into my muscles while my hands were over my heart. My intent landed on my heart, being lead there by the beating i could now feel. Then suddenly, it was like my heart was bursting. It started to pump really fast and a heat spread throughout the area and out of my hands. My Xin(emotional mind) jumped a bit, but my yi(wisdom mind) simply and calmly moved my hands from my chest and pressed them together at the labor cavities in my palms where qi is pushed in and out. My heart started to slow down and the heat was contained through my hands. The heat left my hands and out of my body. It was pretty dank.

The last time i relaxed correctly was last night. My lower abdomen felt as if it were full of cramping air and pressure, so as i was relaxing, i placed my intent there, trying to relax all of that. What i came to find is what is referred to as starting the fire. That now familiar tingle started to spread out from the lower dan tian, spreading out and down. The tingle spread through the huiyin, to my ass, all through the middle, and through my external kidneys. I held this one longer than all the rest, until i was yanked out of it, back into reality. This morning my stomach felt like it had been holding tight all night.

There is no way to place the words i think without them coming back at me so i will leave this at that. Definitions? what is the definition of friend? next step closer to aquaintance i’d imagine. and a lover is the next step up from friend. My guess is an aquaintance is someone you work with but do not care about? A friend is someone you care about, but do not love or have sex with? A life partner is someone you love eternally(if such a thing exists)? Wonder where all of them went?

Trapt.

That’s Just the Way It Is

Before the troublemaking begins lets see what Lao Tzu has to say.

Twenty
Give up learning, and put an end to your troubles.

Is there a difference between yes and no?
Is there a difference between good and evil?
Must i fear what others fear? What nonsense!
Other people are contented, enjoying the sacrificial feast of the ox.
In spring some go the park, and climb the terrace,
But i alone am drifint, not knowing where I am.
Like a newborn babe before it learns to smile,
I am alone, without a place to go.

Others have more than they need, but i alone have nothing.
I am a fool. Oh, yes! I am confused.
Others are clear and bright,
But i alone am dim and week.
Others are sharp and clever,
But i alone am dull and stupid.
Oh, I drift like the waves of the sea,
Without direction, like the restless wind.

Everyone else is busy,
But I alone am aimless and depressed.
I am different.
I am nourished by the great mother.


i forgot that life was my teacher and instead was engulfed in the perspective that life is my confuser. So many round about ways of expressing things, yet no real direction. When things are indirect, they’re worthless because they leave possibility for ’filling in’ the peices that are indirect. I seem to have somehow managed to allow my mind to take almost every negative thing i hear as an accusation, generally given by way of metaphor. Indirectness is at the heart of it. What the buddhists say may very well be true, that without the 7 emotions and 6 desires there would be no suffering in the world. Yet at the same time, i think that would mean there would be no individualism. If people weren’t so ramped on the self, then there would be little motive to do anything.

I had the thought the other day that maybe i tend to lose the perspective of self, fuck, it’s barley there anyway. I don’t think through my perception. It’s very easy for me to look at someone else’s environment and mood and give myself the same perspective, which generally is degrading to me because i am part of the world that others see. I start to think, well i really don’t hold any significance in this world. What is my perspective to theirs? Why would I or anyone else care of what i am or what i’m doing. I could never value my life over someone else i know well. I can rarely tell myself that i’m right and someone else is wrong. I see them and can easily rationalize a million different things that make their actions sensible. Because it seems to me that despite the action, the ’actor’ has the idea that what their doing is not necessarily good all the time, but justified based on circumstance. So what is their justification over mine?

Not to mention that while this is going on i’m having very intense anxiety in almost all situations and i forget to conform to social norms, like where my eyes are supposed to be looking, when i’m supposed to respond, what sorts of things i’m supposed to say. All of these things seem pointless to me, and when i use them i feel like i’m playing a big game of pretend. I do actually feel like i’m performing. I got lost in my analysis and find myself needing and questioning everything. I start to feel very very alone unless i have someone there that i feel i can have a real conversation with, not one that is based on such principals that i forget, like how not to sound like a ’pussy.’ And when i question all of these things people seem to get the way wrong idea about their true meaning, of course noone cares as much as me about them, but it feels like everything to everyone. I really try to keep myself on a level of non offense, but that gets difficult when people tend to not tell you when something you are doing is wrong, yet still think the things they think about it. Communication is key, but it requires someone that knows how.

Episode 2


I’m not sure what it looks liek on the outside when i get into my crazy head, but i have some idea. I’m not really sure why it causes so many people to reject me, but that is stupid to be concerned with.

It’s like there are certain things in my mind that if i am not careful i will bring myself into an immediate anxiety attack. A sort of explosion of emotion and thought that it brings me unable to do much else but sit and think. Generally this is something that goes by unnoticed, i’m generally a quiet person, but if watched im sure it becomes very obvious that something is going on. And i donno what to do.
Generally these attacks don’t last for very long, and unless i’m constantly being reminded of the things. during this time of the year are usually accompanied with feelings of lonliness, low feelings of self worth and identity.

And i really don’t know what it is i’m supposed to do. I mean, it seems to cause all of the major problems with every aspect of my life, and it makes people critical. I become very . . . gullable.

So lately i have been unable to remove associations from my mind. It does seem that each time i’m able to rid myself of these thoughts i’m continually finding them again. Now it’s at the point that i cant get high unless i think i’ll be in a position where i will feel ’safe’ so to speak. Because it weakens my yi(logical mind) so when i take these associations with no clarity it takes much longer for me to gain any sort of stability again. Especially i’m continually associating these things.

I’m aware of these faults in me, and hate the fact that it tears at the seams of all of my relationships, leaving me in a state of felling utterly alone. I don’t want to impose, i dont want to cause problems. I know that my mind will suddenly start to race, my thoguhts speed up in a way that is intollerable. Suddenly my mind is littered with thoughts that make me wish i could get away from myself. I fell lost, at a point where every choise i choose is the wrong one. So i slowly start to rebuild my foundation to stand on, even as i keep kicking it down. And even writing in something like this, i know that most likely i can’t tell the complete direct truth of what im thinking because everything always comes back around. Thus, i find that i’m alone.

With a mind such as mine, to elude to something being wrong with me or my situation, but not actually state what it is, is one of the worst moves possible, because i already have a problem with guessing too many possibilities, so to force me to try to put things together in such a way only makes the confusion that much worse.

Don't Fuck Off

The structure of my mind will never be able to fit your design. Don't try to force it. We can mock the things of eachother that don't hold true to the unrealistic requirements of perfection that our society holds, but that is an idea based on falicy. What you can view from the outside does not reflect the situation from the inside. What may be easy for some, is not so easy for others. I'm diseased, I am different. But that is me, and that is all i'm going to try to be. Push and pull, provoke and prod, see how far over the edge i will go before erupting. But i can't give you the satisfaction. I live in a world of turmoil and struggle, but that is my world. What i don't understand is why one would try to make it harder. Aware of the problems to some degree that you cause, yet you do it even more. Call me a mockery because of your assumptions. No one knows anyone. Therefore, I'm a lone traveler on this road. I am an individual, and what you do has nothing to do with me. Leave me alone, and stop watching. This could have been done months ago, so why keep it going?

Provoction into a start because you're too timid to do it yourself. I have no deals with you. I don't want to play this game at all. If it is such a problem then let it go. I cannot believe in you, or anyone else. I can believe in myself. Accept imperfection as the human condition. Wonder as i will, there will not be any relief from you. I choose my path. I am me. That is all i will strive to be. I will do the best i can to fulfill my demands. Release the view and find a new. Don't hate, but let go out of love.

Impulse

Trak. Fuckin aye my friend. I seem to forget many events from the day after they have passed. Not forget per se, but out of sight out of mind. For instance, this morning at breakfast. There is sometimes a familiar jittery trembling that seems to root in my solar plexus and move outward, up my chest, into my throat, out through my arms. Thats seems unnecessarily detailed, but the point, is that there is this uncontrollable trembling that happens. Sometimes my neck tenses trying to stop it. My speech seems forced, rapid, and changes in volume throughout each sentance. I don't know what to do about it. I relate it to extreme nervousness, yet even while i'm relaxed more numb and empty than relaxed, it still happens. And i thought i got away with it until it was brought to my attention that it was noticeable. Not in any direct way, no i couldn't be allowed to speak of what i do. More of someone referring to me but stating that they themselves do it. Lately my stomach pains are coming back in full force as well. Maybe, it's more like stomach uncertainty. Haha, maybe my mind suppressed all of those emotional problems and turned them into physical problems. Maybe. I dunno. Sucks, to know that you can't handle yourself, even when it's what you try for most. That's most likely the majority of the problem the trying. This stagnant pool of thought and communication i've fallen into is worthless. And instead of fixing the problem, opening the pool so that it can flow, i wait for my demise as the days turn worse. Or whatever they turn into. I seem to be doing much better than is being seen on the outside, at least the sidelong glances and comments seem to make me believe so. Not like anyone is really interested. Aww, what the hell am I saying?

 

The way to not tremble is to let go. Relax. Realize that even if you do tremble from nervousness or whatever its okay. If you're judged right, wrong, sad, happy, pittiful, whatever it doesn't matter. The route that seems to feel most inviting is the one that reflects the role. Yet it fight roles. I must stop trying to change myself for the situation and live as myself, constantly changing for the situation, but never by force. Seems that a tree is the thing to aspire to be, strong, standing their ground, yet still open, beautiful. Swaying in the wind, but still remaining rooted.

 

All of these people that i've grown to think highly of that hardly know me, yet show me the hospitality of house and food, no matter their perception of me, my intentions or whatever, I can't let go in ill manner. What can i do about their perceptions now? With them so set in place and me unable to do anything but bumble around my words? Nothing, the only thing i can do is try to regain somewhat of my composure and see what they have for me.

 

It's interesting how even good friends can know eachother for years, and a couple months can change the relationship entirely. That's life though, isn't it? All i can really say i know is my friendship means a lot to me. I'm sorry if I have fucked us that badly, but i will always be your friend if things change. If departure is required then it is the way it must be and that's all there is to it.

 

Embrace the small. Stay open, hold to nothing. Live in motion and they'll never catch you.

 

B. Rake

Reality

Today i got to thinkin, what the hell is reality. I mean, everyone seems to have some idea of what reality is, or means to them, but is reality actually the thing that is there without being molded by human perception? There seems to be a general idea of what reality is, and what is okay to perceive reality as. But all of this seems like nonsense. there is no definitive idea of reality. There are many moralistic implications on reality.

 

What is more, the general people seem to be striving to fulfill number one's motives, yet at the same time searching for someone to share their 'selves' with. They seem to want everyone to adjust themselves to fit others' preferences, yet have very little capacity to adjust to anyone else. What a very stupid people we are. The general motive seems to contradict its actions.

 

I watch as the events rise and fall. I place my seed, but nourished it to grow poisen. Now i await the execution and think to myself, that this is just another one of those moments. Drifting to and fro. I will drift with the wind, and hold no greivance. I do feel for those who can. I'm sorry and maybe next time we can give as much care to the begining as the end.

Creation

What a day. First thoughts were basically a confirmation of the hate i feel for myself. After being unable to raise myself from bed i was coaxed out. There are so many things that are not requirements, but to not do them may be like pissed off. Battle of preference, i guess. I dunno. I hte myself. I hate the way that i will misconstrew events, and cause so many problems in all of the people that deal with me.

 

If you are conciously aware that you have no idea what to do in conversation, never tell the people that. Or, more likely, never allow them to think about it without talking to you, because then they will notice and they'll change the situation to make it even more difficult to handle. Blah, but fuck all of this. I'm coming to find my emotional mind like a separate reality that operates off of the regular world but warps the things it sees significantly. I'm sure it would be much easier if there was someone i felt cared or whatever to allow me to speak with them, but alas, i understand that it is all about number 1 and it must be that way.

 

I got to reading the book of changes and was like dank, dank dank. What i gather is that change is not a spike in life, something that takes the natural course of things and pushes it somewhere else, but is constant. Without it we wouldn't notice anything. We only seem to learn by contrast, or notice things by contrast. Change is safety and it is simple. It follows simple lines, lines with many branches, but many lines. Under this perspective, Change is not something to be avoided, but something to watch. It is something that gives us the power to have monumental effects, or just a way to add simplicity to life.

 

I know my mind is riddled with madness, that i am under par. I know that i get depressed very easily and can have suicidal thoughts. I know i have many self destructive impulses. But i also know that i do have the ability to think outside of the box. And although i can look at the same problem from 5 different perspectives and feel them all, I can also use that to make better sense of things, that is, as long as i don't get caught in the implications. And you can make fun of me, you can say that i am a pussy, that i take things too personally. The fact is, i can't fucking help it. I rearrange my essence to fit the perspective expected, but i still have this disease. What's weird, is you wouldn't make fun a cancer patient for rasping each time you punch their weak lung, so why would you make fun of a person such as me, that studies have shown that my mind physically is less able to deflect these sorts of feelings? All of this is interesting and all, but worthless.

 

Things are very confusing, but i'm finding the easy within it. It's great. I've been finding my perspective shifting. The way i see it, our personality is just an accumulation of the things we experience. So, on that note, all we need to do is add more things to our personality to change it the way we please. Hmmm, what i mean is, many of the things we do are from previous conditioning, not an immediate change, but an accumulation of things. So, all we have to do to make things the way we want them is to conciously start conditioning our minds. That sort of goes along the idea of "Tiao Xin" in Qigong, which means regulating the emotional mind. I'm finding that now, i'm even not necessarily looking for the "happier" path. I will look at one possible direction and not take it because my opprotunity to learn is so much greater on the more difficult path. It's awesome. Now when i start to get into my anxiety-like attacks i stop, wait, listen. I stop my thoughts, and wait, i look out to see what is really going on. I say, why? why does this matter so much. Even if this sucks now, there is always next. And regardless of if this sucks now, how much can i gain from this? And obviously i slip up and freak out in my head everyday, but thats not the point. The point is, it does get easier and easier until it's my automatic response to hold myself above and impartial to each moment, therefore allowing me to see the picture in its entirety.

 

I am bound to the same social norms as anyone else for the most part. But to be able to do anything, i've had to not allow myself to react to most of the things i hear and think of. It's hard, a constant conflict inside your mind, with the external world pushing the bad sides strength. But it's cool, things are not going to make sense right now. And as time goes by, it all starts coming together. Where does the future hold me? I have no idea, no clue whatsoever, but i know now that i can handle it.

B. Rake

The Sciences

A person with a mind such as mind was made for the field of science, as long as i was capable of maintaining study, as long as it is presented in such a way and fills my day to day the way Tao does, which since Science is all encompassing wouldn't be hard. But what i mean is, a field such as that is great for a mind that cannot hold onto norms, have off the wall perceptions, but still have a firm grip on reality. That may not make sense.

I found the idea of something, don't remember the word. But it's basically when we hear noises or things just in our minds, like when we're showering and think we hear the phone ring and come to find out that it never rang after all. Or looking at clouds and distinguishing shapes. It's basically looking at something vague and finding distinct properties. Studies have shown that we also have difficulty dropping those associations once they've been set in place. My head has that problem, except in everyday life. Exactly that. I can find amazing distinctions in vague conversations or movements just generally environment. This last winter is a direct reflection of this problem, as well as not being able to let go. But finally, i may turn things around.

 

Trapped, well i guess it be time to get drunk after i do a quick chore. Grand. Spam.

 

What weirdness i seem to be finding in situations, haha, so i take it and move with it. I stop, watch, wait, listen. They talk and talk and talk, constantly giving away ground, while i sit patiently and gain. I was found, now i lose myself back to subtly.

 

The requirement to act scatters the mind, therefore under provoction yeild, their center will be revealed soon enough. Act without requirement. Live without pretense. As they provoke, react with stillness. Bend, be fluid. If you move with the enemy how will they be able to strike you?

 

Hold to the root, react with essense.

The moment is always your teacher, never take delight in winning the battle, the war is not over. 

Refrain from acting on provoction, unless with an intent of finality.  

B. Rake