The Big Ol' Mayne

It seems to me that preference lies highly on associations. If there is an association that something is good, or stupid, femine, masculine, anything, then it hinders on your ability to see something as it actually is. Associations seem to fuck with a lot of our basic view of reality. It's crazy, there are many associations that cling to my mind like a parasite, but they are generally short lived, and there are many more things that i can't even begin to understand. Like, "this isn't worth anything because its about crazy people" or gays, or love or most things. I can't associate things like that. That is probably why i love almost every book i read, why i'm down with almost every movie i see, except the ones that follow the lines of what is popular at the moment, those are too easily sifted through because there is no sustinance to their creation. Yes, maybe my head is a bit broken, maybe i do see things in certain ways and overreact to them. I do have impulses and thoughts of suicide. But I can also see such a more grand world than others are able to perceive. I can't change who i am. I feel like people are continually trying to get me to uphold some sort of structure of life, of who i need to pretend to be. We all seem to think that there is something we can pretend to be, no matter how far off it is from what we truly feel. Research even shows that girls will feel much the same way as guys will in any given situation, yet if they're given time to look back on it, their brain "fills in the blanks" and they view it as more emotional than if guys look back on it. But while it's happening we react much the same. Same goes with PMS, when girls are given something and asked how they feel about it during menstration, they react as they normally would. Yet when they look back on it, the social norms come in and invade their perception of the past to make them think they were feeling it as their PMS would indicate. This has all been proven. It's so crazy that we all try to keep these things intact, an outer shell of ourselves, never revealing our true inner selves. And yet, the people who are unable to uphold such illusionary tales of themselves are deemed crazy and are put on lockdown. Aw well, another day more learning. Its great how much there is to gain from each day to day moment. Time to finish this glass of wine and go to sleep.

B. Rake