Ive Just Seen A Face

last night in obscurity. Last chance to write before i find scrutiny. There is no use in anticipating the future, because then i'm likely to create the elements which give me anxiety. Just ride the wave as it comes.

 

Twas 32.7 degrees inside the bus when i woke up. i scurried out of bed when i was awoken, grabbed the coffee that was brought to me, and went outside to warm up. The sun was shining bright in these Northern California mountains, warming the day as it went along. Its been under a year since i left my home where i was rooted and ended up in these prestine mountains.

Basically, life is as simple as we make it. All the complexities are those of our own design. I think it was Carl Sagan that said "Ethics are a purely human problem" or something to that effect. We get so caught up in our minds, we smash through our days on a mission, stuck in the essence of ourselves, rarely breaking the boundry to see the outside. My knowledge of my identity is a bit lost to me, i tend to live in the perspectives in those around me, or that i care about. That used to scare me that i don't have an idea of who am i, i know of events but its difficult for me to guage things about myself. I don't really know what i like, i don't really know what i don't want. It all seems to shift anyway. My wants and likes vary by my perspective shifts. But now i realize that whether i have this idea of myself or not, I will still act accordingly so there is really nothing to worry about.

 

Anyway, i've gotta say that expectation is one of the worst of the emotions. Despite expectations, despite wants, things will flow as they will flow. Knowing this, we can find opprotune moments to plant out seed and nourish it, but to do that you must see the break in the flow, to do that you must acknowledge the flow. Or else you have chance, and that amounts to little or disappointment, which is unnecessary.

 

I've got to say that i'm glad the winter is gone. The most difficult months of my "crazy head" have cycled through and are now on the up slope, which will evidently peak and fall again. But i plan to spend this slowness in the cycle building something to assist in the days ahead, because i can't handle another winter such as the last. Maybe that means getting back on medication, maybe that means building a support system, definately that means progressing in taiji qigong in self cultivation. Scratch out and find a new home.

B. Rake