That’s Just the Way It Is

Before the troublemaking begins lets see what Lao Tzu has to say.

Twenty
Give up learning, and put an end to your troubles.

Is there a difference between yes and no?
Is there a difference between good and evil?
Must i fear what others fear? What nonsense!
Other people are contented, enjoying the sacrificial feast of the ox.
In spring some go the park, and climb the terrace,
But i alone am drifint, not knowing where I am.
Like a newborn babe before it learns to smile,
I am alone, without a place to go.

Others have more than they need, but i alone have nothing.
I am a fool. Oh, yes! I am confused.
Others are clear and bright,
But i alone am dim and week.
Others are sharp and clever,
But i alone am dull and stupid.
Oh, I drift like the waves of the sea,
Without direction, like the restless wind.

Everyone else is busy,
But I alone am aimless and depressed.
I am different.
I am nourished by the great mother.


i forgot that life was my teacher and instead was engulfed in the perspective that life is my confuser. So many round about ways of expressing things, yet no real direction. When things are indirect, they’re worthless because they leave possibility for ’filling in’ the peices that are indirect. I seem to have somehow managed to allow my mind to take almost every negative thing i hear as an accusation, generally given by way of metaphor. Indirectness is at the heart of it. What the buddhists say may very well be true, that without the 7 emotions and 6 desires there would be no suffering in the world. Yet at the same time, i think that would mean there would be no individualism. If people weren’t so ramped on the self, then there would be little motive to do anything.

I had the thought the other day that maybe i tend to lose the perspective of self, fuck, it’s barley there anyway. I don’t think through my perception. It’s very easy for me to look at someone else’s environment and mood and give myself the same perspective, which generally is degrading to me because i am part of the world that others see. I start to think, well i really don’t hold any significance in this world. What is my perspective to theirs? Why would I or anyone else care of what i am or what i’m doing. I could never value my life over someone else i know well. I can rarely tell myself that i’m right and someone else is wrong. I see them and can easily rationalize a million different things that make their actions sensible. Because it seems to me that despite the action, the ’actor’ has the idea that what their doing is not necessarily good all the time, but justified based on circumstance. So what is their justification over mine?

Not to mention that while this is going on i’m having very intense anxiety in almost all situations and i forget to conform to social norms, like where my eyes are supposed to be looking, when i’m supposed to respond, what sorts of things i’m supposed to say. All of these things seem pointless to me, and when i use them i feel like i’m playing a big game of pretend. I do actually feel like i’m performing. I got lost in my analysis and find myself needing and questioning everything. I start to feel very very alone unless i have someone there that i feel i can have a real conversation with, not one that is based on such principals that i forget, like how not to sound like a ’pussy.’ And when i question all of these things people seem to get the way wrong idea about their true meaning, of course noone cares as much as me about them, but it feels like everything to everyone. I really try to keep myself on a level of non offense, but that gets difficult when people tend to not tell you when something you are doing is wrong, yet still think the things they think about it. Communication is key, but it requires someone that knows how.

Episode 2


I’m not sure what it looks liek on the outside when i get into my crazy head, but i have some idea. I’m not really sure why it causes so many people to reject me, but that is stupid to be concerned with.

It’s like there are certain things in my mind that if i am not careful i will bring myself into an immediate anxiety attack. A sort of explosion of emotion and thought that it brings me unable to do much else but sit and think. Generally this is something that goes by unnoticed, i’m generally a quiet person, but if watched im sure it becomes very obvious that something is going on. And i donno what to do.
Generally these attacks don’t last for very long, and unless i’m constantly being reminded of the things. during this time of the year are usually accompanied with feelings of lonliness, low feelings of self worth and identity.

And i really don’t know what it is i’m supposed to do. I mean, it seems to cause all of the major problems with every aspect of my life, and it makes people critical. I become very . . . gullable.

So lately i have been unable to remove associations from my mind. It does seem that each time i’m able to rid myself of these thoughts i’m continually finding them again. Now it’s at the point that i cant get high unless i think i’ll be in a position where i will feel ’safe’ so to speak. Because it weakens my yi(logical mind) so when i take these associations with no clarity it takes much longer for me to gain any sort of stability again. Especially i’m continually associating these things.

I’m aware of these faults in me, and hate the fact that it tears at the seams of all of my relationships, leaving me in a state of felling utterly alone. I don’t want to impose, i dont want to cause problems. I know that my mind will suddenly start to race, my thoguhts speed up in a way that is intollerable. Suddenly my mind is littered with thoughts that make me wish i could get away from myself. I fell lost, at a point where every choise i choose is the wrong one. So i slowly start to rebuild my foundation to stand on, even as i keep kicking it down. And even writing in something like this, i know that most likely i can’t tell the complete direct truth of what im thinking because everything always comes back around. Thus, i find that i’m alone.

With a mind such as mine, to elude to something being wrong with me or my situation, but not actually state what it is, is one of the worst moves possible, because i already have a problem with guessing too many possibilities, so to force me to try to put things together in such a way only makes the confusion that much worse.