Impulse

Trak. Fuckin aye my friend. I seem to forget many events from the day after they have passed. Not forget per se, but out of sight out of mind. For instance, this morning at breakfast. There is sometimes a familiar jittery trembling that seems to root in my solar plexus and move outward, up my chest, into my throat, out through my arms. Thats seems unnecessarily detailed, but the point, is that there is this uncontrollable trembling that happens. Sometimes my neck tenses trying to stop it. My speech seems forced, rapid, and changes in volume throughout each sentance. I don't know what to do about it. I relate it to extreme nervousness, yet even while i'm relaxed more numb and empty than relaxed, it still happens. And i thought i got away with it until it was brought to my attention that it was noticeable. Not in any direct way, no i couldn't be allowed to speak of what i do. More of someone referring to me but stating that they themselves do it. Lately my stomach pains are coming back in full force as well. Maybe, it's more like stomach uncertainty. Haha, maybe my mind suppressed all of those emotional problems and turned them into physical problems. Maybe. I dunno. Sucks, to know that you can't handle yourself, even when it's what you try for most. That's most likely the majority of the problem the trying. This stagnant pool of thought and communication i've fallen into is worthless. And instead of fixing the problem, opening the pool so that it can flow, i wait for my demise as the days turn worse. Or whatever they turn into. I seem to be doing much better than is being seen on the outside, at least the sidelong glances and comments seem to make me believe so. Not like anyone is really interested. Aww, what the hell am I saying?

 

The way to not tremble is to let go. Relax. Realize that even if you do tremble from nervousness or whatever its okay. If you're judged right, wrong, sad, happy, pittiful, whatever it doesn't matter. The route that seems to feel most inviting is the one that reflects the role. Yet it fight roles. I must stop trying to change myself for the situation and live as myself, constantly changing for the situation, but never by force. Seems that a tree is the thing to aspire to be, strong, standing their ground, yet still open, beautiful. Swaying in the wind, but still remaining rooted.

 

All of these people that i've grown to think highly of that hardly know me, yet show me the hospitality of house and food, no matter their perception of me, my intentions or whatever, I can't let go in ill manner. What can i do about their perceptions now? With them so set in place and me unable to do anything but bumble around my words? Nothing, the only thing i can do is try to regain somewhat of my composure and see what they have for me.

 

It's interesting how even good friends can know eachother for years, and a couple months can change the relationship entirely. That's life though, isn't it? All i can really say i know is my friendship means a lot to me. I'm sorry if I have fucked us that badly, but i will always be your friend if things change. If departure is required then it is the way it must be and that's all there is to it.

 

Embrace the small. Stay open, hold to nothing. Live in motion and they'll never catch you.

 

B. Rake