Creation

What a day. First thoughts were basically a confirmation of the hate i feel for myself. After being unable to raise myself from bed i was coaxed out. There are so many things that are not requirements, but to not do them may be like pissed off. Battle of preference, i guess. I dunno. I hte myself. I hate the way that i will misconstrew events, and cause so many problems in all of the people that deal with me.

 

If you are conciously aware that you have no idea what to do in conversation, never tell the people that. Or, more likely, never allow them to think about it without talking to you, because then they will notice and they'll change the situation to make it even more difficult to handle. Blah, but fuck all of this. I'm coming to find my emotional mind like a separate reality that operates off of the regular world but warps the things it sees significantly. I'm sure it would be much easier if there was someone i felt cared or whatever to allow me to speak with them, but alas, i understand that it is all about number 1 and it must be that way.

 

I got to reading the book of changes and was like dank, dank dank. What i gather is that change is not a spike in life, something that takes the natural course of things and pushes it somewhere else, but is constant. Without it we wouldn't notice anything. We only seem to learn by contrast, or notice things by contrast. Change is safety and it is simple. It follows simple lines, lines with many branches, but many lines. Under this perspective, Change is not something to be avoided, but something to watch. It is something that gives us the power to have monumental effects, or just a way to add simplicity to life.

 

I know my mind is riddled with madness, that i am under par. I know that i get depressed very easily and can have suicidal thoughts. I know i have many self destructive impulses. But i also know that i do have the ability to think outside of the box. And although i can look at the same problem from 5 different perspectives and feel them all, I can also use that to make better sense of things, that is, as long as i don't get caught in the implications. And you can make fun of me, you can say that i am a pussy, that i take things too personally. The fact is, i can't fucking help it. I rearrange my essence to fit the perspective expected, but i still have this disease. What's weird, is you wouldn't make fun a cancer patient for rasping each time you punch their weak lung, so why would you make fun of a person such as me, that studies have shown that my mind physically is less able to deflect these sorts of feelings? All of this is interesting and all, but worthless.

 

Things are very confusing, but i'm finding the easy within it. It's great. I've been finding my perspective shifting. The way i see it, our personality is just an accumulation of the things we experience. So, on that note, all we need to do is add more things to our personality to change it the way we please. Hmmm, what i mean is, many of the things we do are from previous conditioning, not an immediate change, but an accumulation of things. So, all we have to do to make things the way we want them is to conciously start conditioning our minds. That sort of goes along the idea of "Tiao Xin" in Qigong, which means regulating the emotional mind. I'm finding that now, i'm even not necessarily looking for the "happier" path. I will look at one possible direction and not take it because my opprotunity to learn is so much greater on the more difficult path. It's awesome. Now when i start to get into my anxiety-like attacks i stop, wait, listen. I stop my thoughts, and wait, i look out to see what is really going on. I say, why? why does this matter so much. Even if this sucks now, there is always next. And regardless of if this sucks now, how much can i gain from this? And obviously i slip up and freak out in my head everyday, but thats not the point. The point is, it does get easier and easier until it's my automatic response to hold myself above and impartial to each moment, therefore allowing me to see the picture in its entirety.

 

I am bound to the same social norms as anyone else for the most part. But to be able to do anything, i've had to not allow myself to react to most of the things i hear and think of. It's hard, a constant conflict inside your mind, with the external world pushing the bad sides strength. But it's cool, things are not going to make sense right now. And as time goes by, it all starts coming together. Where does the future hold me? I have no idea, no clue whatsoever, but i know now that i can handle it.

B. Rake